circles

the same story today, almost four years ago to the dot.

parallel starts, middles, and ends.

guess that life lesson will never be learned

#15

His voice rang out clearly through the clashing waves. He said that he’d only give me one piece of advice that night. If I was going to take anything away, be it that I should live my life – never have a boring relationship. And the lies came flowing out as I reassured him that what I had was anything but boring. The words frantically poured out, as to drown the unspoken sentiments of this moment. He knew it and I knew it – if the truth were anywhere close to my words, why had things progressed so far? Here we were, intoxicated and half-naked, masquerading the beginnings of a one night stand as a beautiful moment.

He asked me if I was happy.

I tore my eyes away, looked at the moon, and closed my eyes. I willed myself to feel something, anything. Was there guilt, desire, or even anger? I opened my eyes to his face hovering above my own.

Nothing. I felt nothing inside.

hot mess

I'm wearing pajama pants tonight, a clear indication that insanity is on its way.

waterfalls

Someone once told me that I have the voice of an angel. It was a hot and dry summer day, we were going thirty miles per hour in the back of a truck, and he was hallucinating.

it's never easy growing up

forty eight months ago

The first time I came to Bryn Mawr, I remember going on a haunted tour of the campus that seemed vast and never ending with gothic looking castles. I remember weaving in and out of the buildings, only to be told that the doors were secret passageways that all connected someway or another. I remember walking through the paths - how the lamps made the trees glow and come alive, as if the cherry blossoms were speaking to each other.

And I remember thinking to myself, someday, someday I'll lead someone else on this tour.

spirals

Since learning to let go of regret two years ago, I've been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

I was tired of you, exhausted of the self-depreciation. And then, all the lies, doubts, and guilt just dissipated. Everything changed in that one random moment; understanding how to cope with my reality and being true to myself had never been so clear. The revelations were like recovering from a drug addiction - disposing of a toxic habit after long months of rehab.

The sensations of my surroundings felt real again. The scratchy carpet was rough against my skin and the light was near blinding. And the hot, sticky air coated my lungs. But it was fresh - the first breath of fresh air after months of suffocation.

vindication at nineteen

reblogged: monday, 29 october 2007

A balancing act

It's been two days and my toes are still swollen from Saturday night. Every time someone takes a step they are tittering 'on the brink of' catastrophe, I think it was.

About eleven years ago, my sister and I were at my cousin's house and we were standing outside by the neighbor's fence. My sister decided to semi-climb the fence so her arms were stretched out, hands tightly clenched to the wires, while her feet dangled below her. And then I remember the tears streaming down her face accompanied by her loud wails of pain. The only other person I can concretely recall being there is another cousin and the presence of other people blend into the background of my fading memory. And we asked and asked her what was wrong, only to be answered by her cries. Finally, someone pointed out her bloody toes, torn up the bottom ends of the fence. It turns out that when she placed all her weight onto the fence, her toes got caught on the sharply cut wires and they received no mercy from the metal incisors.

Even years later, the most vivid image of that experience that lingers in my mind is the pain I saw etched onto her face.

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Sometimes, I wonder about the seldom moments when I work 'so hard' despite the growing apathy. And then I remember; and this is why.